Let's share your jokes! At this page you can enter and share with all visitors a joke you know and like. Let's cheer up us, please. We are starting with one provided by Petras Virzintas. The Year 2000 problem had known 2000 years ago! Translated from a Latin scroll dated 2BC: Dear Cassius:

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Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at this last minute.I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.

He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind ......

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the east who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

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If that's the case, how many "enemy combatants" (as deretmined by the tribunals) are there? I can't seem to find the "conviction" statistics anywhere.If memory serves, the petitioners in Rasul v. Bush had been held for several years "without access to a tribunal." Shouldn't this process of determining who is and who isn't an enemy combatant be a relatively quick and easy one for the government given the rules we have set up down there?It seems to me that if we had deretmined that all or at least some or maybe even a handful of the Gitmo prisoners were enemy combatants, we could save a lot of this angst over their treatment. Then we wouldn't have to worry about whether the music is too loud for them and we could serve them one kind of fruit rather than two and completely cut off their rice pilaf which is probably more than these likely almost probably certain terrorist killers deserve.Then again, if we can't figure out whther these people are enemy combatants after years of detention using questionable interrogation methods and under completely lopsided tribunal rules, and we keep "accidently urinating" on their prayer books, then maybe we need to re-think whether the resulting PR is really helping us win the war on terror.As a former student of yours, I am wondering what do you think?

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Hey Booty are you sad, cuz your jock associates with your name- which both means same crap? Speaking about crap you must be from poland cuz there are a lot of dumbasses like you!
Her's my jock:
¤Q: How do you know that your neighbour is a polak?
¤A: Your trash is gone and your cat is pregnant.

john hancock Sunday, November 13, 2011, 00:23:18
Q: Why a Lithuanian, wasnt able to make ice cubes?
A: Because he couldnt find the recipe.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011, 00:37:02
Booty, I bet your a lithuanian :L x

Booty Thursday, April 14, 2011, 03:53:06
Here is a nice joke about a Lithuanian
There was an English man, a Russian man and a Lithuanian man. They were all very royal.
One day, they all had letters from the King saying that they need to complete a quest in order to marry the princess.
The Royals were very excited, because the princess was very beautiful.
When they got to the King, the King said that they need to get past this deep shit puddle with their own vehicle.
The English man tried a tank, which failed, because the tank was too heavy, so it sank.
The Russian man tried a motorbike, which also failed, because the Russian man lost control.
The Lithuanian man, however, brought a shitty Mercedes. He just easily got past. The other royals, were surprised and very shocked. They asked him how they did it and he said:
- Shit to Shit and I slid..
LoL

Thursday, April 14, 2011, 03:44:55
And, 'Lithuanian jokes-ter, WTF??

Booty Thursday, April 14, 2011, 03:44:08
You lot that make racist jokes about Lithuanians, need to grow a pair and shut up!
Mickus - I wouldn't say so? :L Plus, not even funny mate..
Dick?- Your name describes your personality...
Im a Lithuanian myself, so I don't really find the jokes that you find funny, especially necessary, cause they're not?
Seriously, you don't realize how bad your stupid jokes make us feel.. ;(

Lithuanian jokes-ter Saturday, December 25, 2010, 01:21:53
Another Lithuanian joke or two
Did you hear about the Lithuanian ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
How do you sink a Lithuanian ship?
You put it in water.

mickus Thursday, December 23, 2010, 23:55:22
Here's my Lithuanian joke
What do they call Lithuanians?
LithuALIENS.

Mickus Thursday, December 23, 2010, 23:53:39
Here's my Lithuanian joke
Why did the Lithuanian put 58 holes in his head?
He was eating with a fork.

daniel Monday, June 7, 2010, 17:25:27
hey do you have litte Dyane in your country

ray sukys Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 04:33:31
Why did the Lithuanian cross the road? He was trying to catch his breath.

Amer J Okes Thursday, January 28, 2010, 04:46:26
After much thought an American remembered a funny joke.
But, just before he was going to call his buddy to tell it, his girlfriend burst into his room and shouted, "I have some terrible new!"
What the hell, thought the American as his girlfriend talked about her terrible news. Afterwards ... [I forgot the punch line.]

IndianaJohn Saturday, October 10, 2009, 04:42:01
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully
equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

asdasdgf Wednesday, August 24, 2005, 23:19:03
Why did the Lithuanian cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

Enjoy Sunday, April 22, 2001, 09:32:15
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically chewing
gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to
chat:
The American : Do you eat that bread-entirely? The Indian : Of course!
The American : We don't. We only eat the inner part, the crust is put in a
container, later processed, transformed into meal and then sold to India.
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues : Do you eat this jelly(jam) with the bread? The
Indian repeats : Of course.
The American : We don't. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast, we keep all the
peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and transform it into
jelly(jam) and then we sell it to India.
The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?
American: We throw them away, of course!
Indian : We don't. We keep them in containers, process them, transform them
into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.

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Donna Bohon Monday, January 1, 1996, 20:10:41
A Lithuanian cowboy bought a horse from a preacher. The preacher warned him that his horse had been taught two special commands. When you wanted the horse to stop, you must say 'Amen'. To make him go, you must say 'Praise the Lord'. No problem the cowboy said and headed across the western plains with his new horse. The horse was galloping along when the cowboy realized a very steep cliff was just ahead but he couldn't remember the stop command the preacher gave him. He started to pray, ending with a hearty 'Amen' just as the edge of the cliff appeared. The horse came to a screeching halt at once. "Hallelujah" the cowboy shouted!

Dick Thursday, September 21, 2000, 22:02:19
Lithuanians are high class polacks

John Yogis Saturday, September 9, 2000, 13:11:44
Russian officials denied today recent reports that the Moscow TV Tower
had caught on fire. They stated thatit had collided with another TV
tower, probably American.

foo Monday, July 19, 1999, 10:28:59
A cowboy is captured by lithuanians, and they tell him he has four days to live.
He is allowed four wishes, one for each day. But he never dies because lithuanians
can't count to four.

Elisse Friday, April 9, 1999, 20:31:51
- Sherlock, what school did you finish?
- Elementary, Watson.

Lolitte Saturday, March 27, 1999, 07:53:01
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions
her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't
told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to
your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have
sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other
positions and ways to have sex, you know."

Mattheus Wednesday, March 10, 1999, 08:52:11
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."

Andre Tuesday, March 9, 1999, 07:20:16
There was a Down-East housewife who, for years, was troubled with heart seizures. At the most inopportune times she would drop unconscious and after appearing for awhile to be at her last gasp would rally, and after an hour or so, seemingly would be as well as she ever had been.

The frequency of these attacks naturally interfered with her husband's
labors and also was highly disturbing to his peace of mind. As he worked in his woodlot, or his hay meadow or about his barn he never knew when the hired girl would be coming at full speed breathlessly to tell him his wife had suffered another stroke and surely now was on the point of death. If
his patience frayed under repeated alarms of this sort the worthy man gave no outward sign. Whenever the summons came - and it came very often - he would drop whatever he was doing and hasten to the house, invariably to find the sufferer on the way back to consciousness.

One hot day he was hoeing his potato patch when word arrive by messenger that the invalid had just had an especially violent attack. He lumbered to the cottage.

The form of his wife was stretched upon the kitchen floor where she had
fallen. A glance told him that this time she had made a go of it. Beyond
question, life was extinct.

"Wall," he said, "this is more like it!"

Sandy Monday, March 1, 1999, 21:56:44
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

Andrew Sunday, February 28, 1999, 08:24:43
The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception ad shrewd reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on the road.

"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an' when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to myself, I sez, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"

Marry Sunday, February 21, 1999, 09:46:33
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Audra Tuesday, February 16, 1999, 15:55:53
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

Laurie Saturday, February 13, 1999, 12:33:46
Jack Cominsky of the "Saturday Review" once boasted of a system he had invented to preserve domestic well-being and tranquillity. "The day we were married, fifteen years ago," he said, "we decided that really important decisions were to be left to me. Small everyday decisions that affected only the smooth running of the house were left entirely to my wife."

"How has your system worked out?" asked Amy Loveman.

"Perfectly," said Cominsky. "There hasn't been a single hitch in the entire fifteen years. Of course, "he added thoughtfully, "no really important decision as come up yet."

William Saturday, February 13, 1999, 07:45:32
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that
she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could
satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of
all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment
from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the
streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an
unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and
then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had
already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a
note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go
out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
.
~~~~~~
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worker in the hospital. "How are things at the office going,
Claudia ?" she asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee,
Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it
with the Boss."

Patrick Tuesday, February 2, 1999, 13:52:52
Jones returned home, and in high dudgeon began to upbraid his wife. "Who was here today? Tell me!" he demanded. "Who is your lover? Tell me, who came today to see you?" His wife's denials availed her nothing.

"Don't try to fool me," Jones stormed, "I'm the only man in this house. Who was your lover here today? Why is the wash-room seat up!"

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More about Y2K problem:

Date: January 1, 2000
Subject: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Willy Sunday, January 31, 1999, 18:35:36
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Peter Sunday, January 31, 1999, 15:45:27
Mrs. Mefooksky's daughter Dora, aged nine, reported that the new neighbors must be very rich people. In the drug store their little girl had purchased twice as much cockroach powder as she did.

John Smith Sunday, January 31, 1999, 15:27:22
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."